The Vegas Vagabond tells his young Elder friends about Donny and Marie.

For approximately the last month or so I have been receiving lessons from Elder Wilkes and Elder Reyes. Both of them have shown exceptional character and class, and not to mention a lot of determination in their efforts to bring me closer to the Lord. I have a short, and what I think is a funny story to share with everyone about the two of them. But before I get started, I just want to tell them again how much I appreciate them..

"Elder Wilkes, Elder Reyes - do you guys know who my favorite Mormon performers are? I have been watching them forever." We had just finished a study session when I posed the question to my young friends - By the way - I find it a bit awkward referring to the two of them as Elders. The fact is if you combined their ages into one and then added a few more years - I would still be older than both of them. "Who is your favorite Mormon performer?" Elder Wilkes asked...I didn't want to come right out and tell them so I said this, actually I started singing it. "I'm a little bit country and I'm a little bit rock-n-roll. Donny and Marie baby. The Osmond's. I used to watch their variety show faithfully when I was a kid. You guys like Donny and Marie? Don't you?"

When I think about Donny and Marie way back then, it reminds me of my two missionary friends of today. They were wholesome and pure, they were young, they were witty, and both had a deep affinity for their beliefs...Just like Elder Reyes and Elder Wilkes. "You guys must love Donny and Marie...Aren't they the best." I said with conviction. One problem, my young friends had never heard of them.

"Who is Donny and Marie?" At first I thought they were pulling my leg. "Come on guys - Donny and Marie are like Elvis to the Mormon sect. You know who I am talking about." Both the Elders have a great sense of humor. I was for sure they were trying to pull one over on the old guy when they said they didn't have any idea who the Osmond's were. So I needled them a little more, "If you go down to the strip, look directly up at the Flamingo Hotel, you will see a large mural of them on the side. You guys almost had me for a minute. Donny and Marie, who are they. You two should be standup comedians."

I waited a moment for them to fess up to the joke and then Elder Reyes says - "We kid you not. We are being serious. We don't have the slightest idea who Donny and Marie is? Are they some old time singers from when you were a kid?" When I think of Donny and Marie - even to this day - the last thing I think of is old. Donny still looks like he could whip anyone. And Marie, she is still one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. They're not old to me, but to a couple of young whippersnappers like Elder Reyes and Elder Wilkes. I guess I can see where they are coming from. But still, Donny and Marie.

We played a few Donny and Marie tunes on Youtube and then I gave them a quick rundown on the rest of the Osmond clan. "I would play the Donny part, and my younger brother would be Marie. And after there show was over, we would stand up and sing one of their songs." I ranted a little more about how much I liked them and then I asked who they're favorite performers were...Both of them said in unison, "Imagine Dragons," I guess we will have to chalk it up to the age gap, because I had never heard of them...In Jesus name we pray - Amen.

The returrn of the urban outdoorsman....Part 2

"Annabella my love. I am sorry for leaving you the other night. I was rudely interrupted and I promise it won't happen again." My Bolivian muse with green eyes, mocha skin, a pearl smile and a body carved of stone was upset with me. "Vrob, I was ready to give myself to you and you left me," she said, "Vhat's wrong? Don't you vant me?" Once again I found myself in the high roller suite at Bellagio. The marble floors, a master suite spacious enough for a symphony, a panoramic view of the fountains. It was all secondary! Once and for all, it was now time for Annabella and I to finally consummate our relationship. "I'm sorry my love," I told her again, "Of course I want you. I promise nothing will stand in our way this time." She then drops her silk robe and bares her naked body to me. "Vrob," she says, as she is getting ready to accompany me in our bubble bath filled jet tub. "Please don't leave me again. I vant you more than anything in the vorld."

"Hey! Get up! There's no sleeping in the park!" Please Lord, tell me this isn't happening. My Bolivian beauty had once again faded into the abyss. And now in her place was a crew cut looking; sun glass wearing; gun toting park ranger. My initial thoughts at that very moment - "Goddammit, you thoughtless bastard. Why couldn't have you given me ten more minutes? I was oh so close to finally having my Bolivian muse," then I thought again. "OK sir, sorry about the indiscretion. I will be on my way," I murmured. I grabbed my backpack and rose to my feet. I told the ranger to have a nice day and began to saunter away with my darling Annabella at the forefront of my mind. Unfortunately, my thoughts were hampered once again by the park rangers parting words, "Don't let me catch you sleeping in the park again or I will give you a ticket."

The return of the urban outdoors man.

It was the green eyes coupled with the mocha skin that first attracted me to Annabella: No, it was the dark flowing hair and the voluptuous body. Then again it could have been the pearly white smile and the Bolivian accent. One thing was a certainty, it was love at first site when I literally ran into her at the library. She was walking around one corner and I was walking around the other. And just like you see in the movies, I accidentally knocked her books from her hands. We both bend down to pick them up and our heads bump against each other's. Her beauty and aura were simply astonishing. Well, I laid on a little of the Astle charm and the next thing you know we're both in a suite at the Bellagio. "Vrob," she said in her Bolivian tone, "You are the sexiest man I have ever seen. Shall I order us another bottle of champagne?" My heart was racing, I could not for one moment take my eyes off this heavenly creature as I lie in a silk robe on the king size bed with a goose down and pillow comforters, "Yes, my darling Annabella, another bottle of champagne sounds exquisite. This time order the Krug Brut Vintage 1988." She then smiles, giggles and says, "Before I do, I vant to show you something. Vhat do you think Vrob?" She drops her robe and shows me the skimpiest piece of lingerie I have ever seen on a women. "Vould you like me take it off Vrob?"

"Get up motherfucker! This is my spot!" Five more minutes! Five lousy fucking minutes! That's all I needed for my darling Annabella and I to consummate our relationship. "I said get up motherfucker, this is my spot." Why couldn't this bastard find another place to sleep. I told him to fuck off and tried to fall back asleep, but that never works - "Move prick, this has been my spot for three years! Go find another place to sleep!" - There are literally a million places to sleep on the street and I had to pick this one - I had some nasty words for my fellow urban outdoors man as I grabbed my backpack and piece of cardboard, "Thanks a lot dude! I was having every urban outdoors man's favorite fucking dream and you had to fuck it up for me. I am going to remember this!" The thought of turning his nose sideways raced through my mind for a few moments, but then I thought, "What good would that do? Annabella was long gone."

I have been playing urban outdoors man for the last couple of days. It's not a long term thing, it just so happened I had to be out of my apartment before I had anticipated. I thought I had another one lined up, but it ended up being more than I had agreed upon. Anyways, I am hoping by the end of the week I will have some new digs. And most of all, I am praying Annabella will find her way back to me.